The Things Guys Think When Kissing

1. How do I handle the approach? Does she want to kiss me? I’ll start going in really slowly to see if she moves away. She hasn’t moved away yet, so that’s a good sign, but maybe I’m not close enough yet. I’m going tokeep moving in until our lips are touching.


2. Ok, game time. I never stopped to think about how weird the act of making out is. I’m glad my brain chose now to make me feel hyper-aware of everything I’m currently doing.


3. This angle is kind of awkward. I feel like if I try to move, though, she’ll suddenly change her mind about making out with me. This is worth the deep cramping in my neck.


4. Should I have used chapstick? Do I even own chapstick?


5. How does my breath smell? I probably should’ve popped a mint in before I made the conscious decision to breathe down her throat.


6. Actually, I should be breathing, but that’s gross right? Ok, stop breathing. No, now I’m getting dizzy. I need to breathe. OK NOW I’M BREATHING TOO HARD AND IT’S CREEPY.


7. Are my teeth crooked? I should’ve listened to my orthodontist and kept that retainer in more often.


8.  Should I go for tongue, or should I let her take the lead? I’m just going to go for it. OK, we are not on the same page here. Maybe she liked that I maneuvered my tongue in there?


9. I can’t stop thinking about that scene in Little Giants where Devon Sawa and Icebox talk about tonsil hockey and then Devon Sawa falls off the log they’re sitting on. Wait, was it a log or a boat? I need to remember this accurately.


10. Where should I put my hands? I feel like hands dictate what kind of kiss this is. If I put them on her ass, it’s really s*xual. If I grab her hips, it’s more casual. If I grab her head or hair, maybe it’s off-puttingly passionate? Where is a neutral spot to put my hands? Her knees? Maybe I’ll just never stop moving my hands like a gesticulating professor.


11. Do all girls like what I’m doing now? Maybe only that girl that I first kissed in middle school likes it, and I’ve been doing it ever since and maybe it’s really terrible and I look like an idiot but I’m so bad at kissing that no one has the heart to tell me.


12. WAIT, DO I KISS LIKE A MIDDLE SCHOOLER?

13. Is it OK that I have a partial boner? Where should I put it.


14. We’ve been making out for like 30 seconds already, does she want me to put my hand on her boob? Hand-on-boob is man’s biggest gamble.

15. Whew, b**b is a go. God my jaw is tired.